#life lesson learned: I am somehow uniquely selfish and anything I do to try to express myself hurts people

[laughinglynx]

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[stitches-for-solo]

I Dunno About This One...

Sorry for the wall of text. This is why I need to figure out how to put in a “Keep Reading” cut.

I feel like I slept all day. Probably because essentially, I did. I’m sliding further and further back down the hole I threw myself into a long time ago, and am watching the progress I’ve made since the almost dying incident vanish before my eyes. I know fucking well enough that I’m responsible for my own actions, but little things here and there only give me a tiny bump of positivity, motivation, and energy, if anything at all. (I keep thinking of the minute payback of doing something small, like getting dressed, like taking a little bump of coke off a key, which, to be clear, I’ve never done.) To be frank, considering my mindset and the effort little things can take when you aren’t well, some days, it’s not worth it. Almost instantly, my dysfunctional brain gobbles it all up as fast as it can. Like... [insert creative comparison here, akin to a starved man who’s just been served a 5-course meal, but, y’know, creative]. In theory, if I could take all the little bits of brightness I can manage to churn out and hoard them all in one big pile, ingesting them at the appropriate time, satiating my chemical receptors, and then letting them rest, regulating the process, I would. (Depression for Dummies?) Just like my problems with alcohol and drugs, my brain is a fiend for serotonin, that instant gratification, and there’s nothing I can do about it, or any deficiencies of other neurotransmitters (dopamine, norepinephrine) I probably have. (And man is it sloppy up there in my head, which is appropriate, since I’m the epitome of messy. Unorganized. Shit is everywhere, yet I know where everything is. Yeah, I’m one of those... but it’s not dirty — don’t ever call me dirty. It’s simply a disaster to the untrained eye. I’ve actually read articles linking neglecting to clean with depression, but I’m not sure where or how credible any of the research was. It makes no difference — either way, I’m not the best at keeping areas tidy. I keep going off topic...)

Anyway, I’m really in no condition to do anything drastic that would potentially yield a more substantial “reward”. Everyone tells me to just try. Try the little things, and you’ll adjust, and before you know it, you’ll be ready for more significant things. But good things are just that — good. They aren’t fixes and they aren’t cures. And I’m not using the previous sentence as an excuse to lay down and give up. I’m just being realistic. I know too much about my own problems, thanks to my higher education. I know too much and my peers/family know too little. There’s gotta be a balance between the right actions/effort and the right medication(s), and none of that is happening for me. There’s not a whole lot I can do about my medications, besides take them. It’s apathy that’s the fucking bitch. Why did I sleep till 3pm and not get out of bed until 5pm? Because I didn’t care, you can’t make me care, and I certainly can’t make myself care. (Also, I stayed up all night and it was really cold in my house so I didn’t want to get out from under the blankets...)

Now consider this — it would be one thing if that’s all that I was dealing with. But that’s just a portion of it, and I don’t even know what is wrong with me anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just weak and make bad decisions, then blame said bad decisions on my weak resolve to even try to do the right thing. Maybe I’m just overly sensitive and I am content with wallowing in my own self-inflicted misery. After all, I get to be the laziest, most spoiled bitch I know, sometimes. Big emphasis on sometimes. But then something inevitably happens, and that sick fantasy is shattered over and over again and I have to face facts — it’s not just my personality. I think it’s normal for me to sorta gravitate towards strange things and (trying to choose my words wisely here) unique people. But unless everyone I know is hiding things from me, I sure do feel like a dysfunctional fool a lot of the time when I try to explain certain thoughts or feelings or physical responses that I have to various stimuli. I don’t mind being different. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being drawn to the macabre and unusual things. I enjoy horror movies/books and crime shows, and like researching things like diseases, old torture practices, serial killers, and the crazy shit you can supposedly find on the dark web. And yeah, I’ll cheer for the bad guy. (Kylo 🖤) None of that makes me disturbed or ill. I like normal things, too, like cats, space, sports, game shows, and the Food Network. And music is sometimes my salvation. It’s my thoughts & actions that bother me. I was driving last night and I had a pretty pathetic thought: I don’t have a mental illness; I’m mentally ill. 😶

It probably sounds ridiculous and that I’m dramatic, lazy, not trying, overreacting, making excuses, annoying or even infuriating, but I don’t share everything that goes on upstairs with just anyone. I’ve been places, and I do not want to go back. I will not go back. So I keep my mouth shut. It tends to get me no where good or anywhere fast. Which is fine; I think it’s throwing a wrench in my doctor’s attempt to properly treat me, but if I was completely open and honest, I don’t really know what would transpire and where I’d end up. And in terms of friends/family, I firmly believe it drives people away. I see it. I’m not stupid. People abandon me. They tell me I deserve better, but they don’t give me better. Maybe they just want someone else to do it. They want to know it’s happening, but don’t want to/ can’t put the effort in themselves. I know I’m not verbally or emotionally abused or mistreated, and I think I tend to treat people as they do me. I don’t yell at people unprovoked. (There are exceptions, one of which I have written about above.) I don’t attack my friends and then try to make them feel guilty about it. Sometimes I get frustrated when I get sent pictures of someone’s (boyfriend’s) brand new house for the 6th time and I have to be all excited for them, meanwhile I’m living in my little sister’s old room. Yep, I had to move back in with my parents because I got too sick to be alone and had no where else to go. My mother wouldn’t even give me my old room back. And equally as frustrating is when I have to hear for the 15th time “I put my hand in the cage, and it bit me again. This time I’m bleeding. I know something isn’t right and it has to change..” But then, it’s right back to the same. And I get it. I’ve been there. My ex ripped my heart to shreads, and not just once. And I just kept letting him hurt me, because I believed that somehow, if I just kept trying, if I just kept changing, if I just let all the shitty parts run their course(s), in the end, it would be worth it. Was it? Of course not!

It’s fucking frustrating when someone you care about is being mistreated. In fact, it blows my mind what some people will put up with, but again, I understand, because I did it, too. I think it’s a lesson everyone has to learn for themselves at their own pace and on their own time. These things aren’t teachable. And I know it’s selfish, but sometimes I get a little irritated that I end up so far down on a friend’s list of priorities when I’m only trying to help, and I feel like I could use some help, too. There’s other contributing factors and every situation is unique, of course. But when I’m just trying to be genuine and caring, even if it does come off as harsh, that sucks. But it’s life. It just makes me feel like I’m believing a heaping pile of bs, which does upset me. I’m not egotistical. I don’t need to be #1. But there’s a big difference between not being #1 and being put off to the side so the friend in question can go spend time with the someone else who treats them like absolute shit. (I need to expand on this, because it’s misleading, and I don’t believe an explanation will fit in this post. I’ve also moved things around so much, I feel like it’s not flowing properly, so I’ll be making an additional entry — in a little while. So wait before you judge or assume anything.) But I’m also not stupid. I say that a lot, but my actions must betray my words. Somehow I must be giving off the vibe that I’m an idiot. It’s painful, especially when I want to give more of myself to someone.. invest more time, energy, support, all those things, into the friendship, but the feeling isn’t mutual. I wonder what people think of me. “I don’t want anything to do with her, but she’s fucking insane so I’m afraid she might come after me or hurt herself...” I mean, I am crazy, am I not? So why wouldn’t someone think that? Especially when I’ve heard the same words come out of their mouth before, but about someone else. And I’m not just talking about one or two people here. This seems to be an ongoing theme, and the common factor is me. When I was going through rough times with my ex, I think that’s when the alienation from some of my friends started. I guess they could only take so much, and everyone has a limit, but I also think the person being hurt sees things very differently than those on the outside. I can’t do much, y’know? So I try to give advice or help, but I think I need to learn to back off. I’m scared I’m destroying the relationships with the few people I have left in my life. Sometimes I already feel a shift. Hell, I know things are different. I don’t want to lose everything I have left with my handful of friends, but I am not the type of person who can take unhappiness and paranoia and anything else negative and just squash it and keep quiet. I have to let things out, or they grow until they reach monstrous proportions and I completely lose control. As annoying as it is, I have to ask family and friends “is everything okay?” “Did I do something wrong?” “Are you mad at me?” and eventually it escalates to “What the hell did I do?” “Why are you ignoring me?” etc.. Christ, I must be fun to know.

I was kind of writing before about things that make me feel happy. Having friends made me happy, and I try, but it seems that beyond talking online, no one wants to take me up on any offers anymore. I think I burned all my bridges and trying to start all over is challenging at my age when most people have careers and families. I don’t fit in anymore, and honestly, I have a suspicion that potential dating partners my age are still single because they’re not interested in settling down. I feel like I’m going to end up alone. This wasn’t how things were supposed to be. Life was supposed to be so much more fulfilling and just a pleasure to live. I know everyone goes through rough patches, and I absolutely hate talking like this, but I know I was expected to be so much more than this. It wasn’t me who was pegged as the one who would make such a fucking mess out of everything. I’m in a position where putting myself out there for rejection is a bad, very bad idea. It’s damaging. But so is being alone/surrounded by people who you don’t get along with. I’m stuck; I don’t know what to do, where to turn, and who really cares. One more note about friends.. Or who I refer to as my friends. I write about them in here, and they don’t even know this blog exists. No one really checks up on me, and I know that could be for lots of reasons. I don’t tend to reach out anymore either, but it’s because I don’t really have anything to offer. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do was to accept that my old best friend didn’t consider me his best friend anymore. I guess it’s been a while now, and I’m okay with just calling him a “friend” or by his name. But it was tough. I was so broken down about my breakup that I completely fell apart, and he really just abandoned me. I’d see all the pictures he would post on Facebook.. out hanging out with his “BFF”, all smiles and having fun while I’d stayed in bed and cried all day with no one left to go to for comfort or company. I felt so disgusting, needy, weak, insignificant, hopeless.. all this after I let him borrow a substantial amount of money because he had moved 1500 miles away and needed financial help getting home because he had decided he didn’t want to be there anymore. I was so desperate and distraught that I let him borrow.. a lot of money. And that was what I was met with when he got back. I was still alone, he never wanted to hang out because I was always so down, and I haven’t seen a dime of my money. I could go on... but I won’t. Lesson learned.

I think there’s some parts here that don’t make sense. I was copying and pasting and moving stuff around and adding/deleting things, and it’s almost 7am. I might work on this later after I get some sleep. Or I might decide it’s a waste of time cause no one reads my rants anyway. Obviously I didn’t mean to offend anyone, and I mean no ill will towards anyone I know. Like I said, there are some things I just have to get off my chest.

[myheartlostindaysandyears]

Aug. 22, 2021

Entry 1  Sunday 

10:56pm

The yellow glow from the little lamp fills up my room when I click it on. I just bought this lamp a few days ago after getting an onboarding email. (I guess I wanted to celebrate?) With this news comes the reality that I have three jobs now, so different from last year. Stress is now omnipresent in my life. It hovers over me like a teacher. What is life trying to teach me? I want to learn the lesson quickly so I can get to the good stuff. Maybe that's the point. I want things too quickly. 

I should be more patient.  

Today I feel so far away from who I was last year. I had stress, sure, but it was nothing like it is now. At least I had a bit more confidence. I didn't allow things or people to hurt me. I simply made up my mind to not let it affect me. Now? Now it's like everything hurts. I take everything too personally. I make mistakes and it feels so detrimental and dangerous. Pain washes over me like waves that throw themselves over the rocks. I'm not okay with being this fragile. My mind jumps to conclusions so fast and accepts negative thoughts as the truth even though it probably isn't so.

One problem I can't get past is that I'm becoming insignificant in the lives of others. I can't seem to find anything about myself that is unique or of value, some reason why others would want me to stay in their lives. I feel that I can't offer words of solace to those that I love because I don't have a quiet mind and I can't focus. Or maybe I am too selfish to look past my inner battle. This makes me feel like I'm failing them. I'm so fucking scared of losing the friendships that I've grown. What if they wither and die like a neglected house plant?

I was never this negative before, but things were mostly going my way or maybe I was delusional.

I think I'm happier if things don't get too real. Is that bad?

I want to be positive because I've was told that's why people like me. How do I make them understand that even positive people sometimes ‘go through it’?

To be honest. I never show this side of myself. I'm always listening to other people. That includes family and friends. There is one friend I met online who is very special to me. We are very similar in this aspect. We always hold in our feelings. Why are we doing this? We are people who have hard times too, damn it!

My brain feels so fuzzy these days. I need to make a conscious decision to get back to who I was. Or maybe somehow learn to roll with the things the way they are right now. I wish I could stay calm when something bad happens and not be so raw and emotional.

I want to bloom. I want to help others bloom too. 

[vestedbeauty]

Scared of Fading Away in Midlife? Empower Yourself Now to Do What You're Here For

New Post has been published on https://vestedbeauty.com/scared-of-fading-away-in-midlife-empower-yourself-now-to-do-what-youre-here-for/

Scared of Fading Away in Midlife? Empower Yourself Now to Do What You're Here For

Midlife is the time to step into your purpose, to empower yourself to fulfill your mission, to become everything you were meant to be – and to do what only you can do.

“Men age like a fine wine, and women age like milk.” The whole idea of women becoming invisible in midlife reminds me of the fish that doesn’t know it’s swimming in water. It’s like some weird myth, an odd and awful fate we’re told is coming for us all. 

Sure, we all hear stories of the middle-aged woman who got passed over romantically or professionally. Or others who feel unheard or dismissed. Some get up in arms and rail against being deemed irrelevant. Some retreat quietly to the wings. Totally their choice. 

But I’m going to call bullshit on this so-called inevitability. I think it’s a cop-out. We were each put here to find and fulfill our purpose. Into every one of us, greatness has been sown. It’s our responsibility – duty, even – to nurture our gifts and unleash them in the world.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this over the past few months. Now, it’s time to share. Maybe it’ll help you, too.

Timidity Spawns Invisibility 

As a little kid, I was so shy that my dad finally took me outside to meet the kids when we moved to a new neighborhood. The thought of just walking up to them, introducing myself, and playing kickball with them was terrifying. Eight-year-old me remembered earlier rejections and decided it was safer to stay home and read instead of taking another risk. 

I’d somehow gathered that blending into the background was the safer choice. Well, if by ‘safer’ you mean lonely, isolated, and robbing the world of your unique gifts, talents, perspectives, and presence… sure. So, while I was mortified at the moment, that forcing out of the nest was absolutely the best thing.

I wish I could say I learned that life lesson for good at age eight. But no.

That preposterous timidity grew like an invasive plant species in my life. It led to lots of people-pleasing, kept me on the sidelines when a big part of me wanted to join the game, lured me into lots of self-induced isolation, and probably cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Life is too short to play small. There’s a big difference between playing not to lose – and playing to win.

So, Timidity, you’re on the shit list. Sure, you meant well, and I appreciate the good intentions. But it’s time for you to scram.

Behold, four challenges I have thrust before your eyes! Should you accept, you will utterly transform how you show up in the world and what you create in it.

Challenge #1: Know Thyself, Own Thyself 

You can’t empower yourself to live a wildly satisfying second half of life where you make your best contributions to the world if you don’t even know what you want. Ask a hundred midlife women, “What do you really want?” and the most common answer you’ll hear is, “I don’t really know.” (Doubt it? Ask where they want to go out to dinner! You’ll get the same answer.)

Some of them are lying.

They know. They just don’t feel comfortable saying what they want – even to themselves. Maybe, like me, at some point, they taught themselves that resilience and strength meant getting by on life’s scraps, essentially saying, “I require no maintenance or care. I’m fine.” Try that with your car and see how it goes.

Some have put others’ desires before theirs for so long that they don’t even realize they no longer hear their own wishes’ voice. They’ve heard how unselfish they are, what a great mom because they live to serve, what a great woman behind the man… that kind of invisibility-inducing false compliment might be the deadliest of them all.

Ask little kids what they want, and they’ll rattle off a list like they’re paging through the old Sears catalog at Christmas. (Remember them?) They haven’t learned the warped rule that you aren’t supposed to want anything. 

Getting back in touch with what you want… what you REALLY want… takes practice. 

Like when atrophy sets in, it can feel weird exercising your “what I want” muscles. It can even feel selfish and wrong to verbalize what you want. But I’ll challenge you on that. Your desires don’t disappear just because you won’t admit them. And that’s a good thing. What you want is unique to you, and it’s part of what drives you to make your extraordinary contribution to the world. Becoming aware of what you want will propel you to make it so.

Do This to Empower Yourself: Get quiet with yourself (getting outside helps). Imagine there’s absolutely nothing stopping you from having whatever you really, really want. Then say it. Write it. Even tell someone about it.

Challenge #2: Watch Your Mouth (and Keyboard)

Self-deprecation works great for comedians. But in real life, it’s a cop-out. 

How’s it show up?

Mild insults we use to belittle ourselves

Ways we undervalue ourselves

Excessive modesty

Always asking permission

What is self-deprecation, really? It’s a way to kick yourself first, so nobody else feels the need to do it. It’s bowing and scraping before a perceived audience of ruthless critics so they can see you’ve already eviscerated yourself… so they won’t. After all, it somehow feels less painful if you cut yourself rather than someone else doing it.

But here’s the thing.

There is no audience. Not one that matters, really. And certainly, not one that knows the truth about you better than you do. Haters might hurl insults at you, but the old “I’m rubber. You’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you” saying is dead-on here. Seriously, humans typically criticize others for the same flaws they’re trying not to see in themselves. That becomes clearer as we age (both when we give and receive criticism).

You do not need to hide. Certainly not behind a wall of your own insults. The words you use about yourself will empower you to stand sure or leave you cowering. Be careful which you choose. 

This may be a tough habit to break. It will take practice and vigilance.

Do This: Start with what you write – particularly on social media or in emails. Draft your words normally, whatever way your brain sends them to your fingers. Read what you wrote. Would you want some stranger to say these things about someone you love? If so, delete those bits and rewrite them in a way that empowers you. Write with abandon; edit with ruthlessness.

Challenge #3: Rock Those Big Kid Pants

We all have weird leftovers running our lives. (Not that plastic container in the back left corner of the shelf in the fridge.) Somewhere along the line, someone made an off-handed remark or otherwise slighted you – and you tucked the memory away so deeply you might not even remember it. Find them and you’ll empower yourself to break into a new level of freedom.

I have a weird example. 

When I was a kid, I remember our family getting a gas grill. My dad told my brother and me not to touch it – a smart and reasonable safety warning.

I obeyed. Until I was like 45 years old! It wasn’t a conscious thought, “I’m not allowed to touch a grill.” But it was in there – this hesitance to ignite a propane grill.

I remember telling a friend in Fiji about my weird aversion to grills. She’s a no-nonsense, very bold woman. She kind of looked at me like I was nuts, then said, “Sue, you’re a big girl now.” And, of course, I am. It was time to recognize that bizarre ‘rule’ I was living under and choose what works better.

Maybe you have some similar holdovers from childhood that you’ve bizarrely held onto. Worth looking at and challenging. 

Confession: I still have never watched “The Bad News Bears,” but I have watched “Grease” (waiting for a bolt of lightning to strike!).

Do This to Empower Yourself: If you encounter some weird resistance that takes you back to childhood, take a look at it. Maybe it serves you, like “Don’t touch the hot stove.” But perhaps it’s a limit you can lift safely. Doing so can empower you in a surprisingly satisfying and seemingly small way.

Challenge #4: Be Your Own Champion

“What a bitch.” Many women (myself included) surrender a lot of personal power because we don’t want people to perceive us as bitches. That avoidance keeps us quiet. It leads us to ignore red flags. It puts us in unsafe situations.

As a college student at Rutgers, I remember walking through New Brunswick to get from one campus to another. Sometimes men would whistle or call out. It felt terrifying. I’d just grab my pepper spray tighter and walk faster, hoping they’d lose interest and go away.

But looking them in the eye and saying, “Fuck off” or the equivalent never crossed my mind. Standing my ground seemed more dangerous because they might see it as a challenge (maybe it was).

That same aversion to offense contributed to me going bankrupt decades later. I ignored red flags with the two men I’d partnered with on a real estate investment. I didn’t feel comfortable saying, “Wait. No fucking way. You guys are nuts if you think I’ll be the only one at risk here.” But, I told myself I didn’t know as much as they did… and that they were probably right and this was probably normal… and that I couldn’t speak up without risking the deal.

I’m not suggesting we should go around screaming like shrews. There’s more power in quiet strength. I don’t feel like I need to shout to be heard. But there’s also no reason to stay silent when I’ve got something to say. 

If you take a self-defense class, they’re going to teach you to shout something like,

“NO! DON’T TOUCH ME.”

There’s a reason they have to TEACH that – especially to women. Many of us have learned to be quiet – even when there’s a lot at stake. It can feel bizarre to hear yourself shout like that. Do it anyway. 

Do This to Empower Yourself: Next time you’re alone in your car or home, practice. Stand your ground. Use your deepest, strongest warrior-like voice, and shout, “NO. BACK OFF” or whatever you want to say. Repeat until you feel strong. You would do this to protect your kids… learn to do it for you, too.

Trust Yourself, Empower Yourself

Hey. This second half of your life is going to go fast. Faster than the first half – and that’s crazy even to consider. 

You aren’t done. If you were, you’d be gone.

You’ve got exciting adventures ahead, lives to touch, creations to make, delights to enjoy, crowning glories to achieve. Midlife is not the time to shrink back. 

Everything you’ve learned and done until now has perfectly positioned you to find and fulfill your purpose. You’re here for a reason. Deep inside, you have a voice that’s urging you onward. It may take practice, but you can learn to hear yourself – and trust yourself. You owe it to yourself, your loved ones, and the whole wide world to empower yourself to be and do and have what’s on your heart.

[lottaereminheadcanons]

(I had a random mental breakdown and thought of this.  I'm not used to writing this sort of thing, or writing like this so I apologize if it's not the best)

Eren hates Armin crying.  It just feels like he can't do anything, and he hates himself for it.  He feels so useless but tries anyways.  Armin is the only person who can make him feel anything and Eren can barely even cheer him up.  He hates himself for this.  He always cries with Armin, because he feels practically useless.  Whenever he cries with Armin his tears don't show.  Eren just holds him close and stares at the wall, whispering reassuring words.  To who isn't clear; they're meant for Armin but Eren almost is trying to help himself.

i am tired and uninspired.

Eren feels so drained sometimes.  He never understands why but just wants to sleep next to Armin for a long while to get his energy back.  But he can't sleep, kept awake by his own thoughts.

i am used batteries. i am talentless and stale. i am a book that’s been read and now sits on the shelf. i am a broken guitar string. i am useless. i am invisible.

Eren wants to ask Armin for help so badly, but feels all his problems are invalidated when he sees the constant bullying Armin has to put up with.  He feels terrible for not being happy with Armin around, and wants to smile more than anything but he can't.  And he hates it, he hates himself.

everyday i feel like i’m at war with the world. some days i feel like i’m standing on the tallest mountain screaming at the top of my lungs, “look at me, please look at me.”

Eren wakes up in the middle of the night on occasion, feeling alone, when Armin was right next to him.  He doesn't understand why he feels like this.  Why is he so alone right next to the only person that matters to him?

if loneliness ever needed a definition, it’d be me. i see countless faces everyday but do they see me? no. i am alone. i am invisible.

~~~

Eren always did his best to protect Armin when they were young.  He gave up so much of his time just to keep his beloved boyfriend safe.  At one point he even took karate lessons for a few months, but eventually quit because it took too much time away from being with Armin.  Eren always sacrificed so much to keep Armin happy.  He always gave and gave Armin so much love, and was content with the lovely, warm happy feeling he always got around Armin.  Things were perfect at the time, and they were both happy.

If one doesn't receive enough love and support in their youth, part of them will forever be broken.

Eren always played the role of a knight in shining armor for Armin.  He didn't expect anything in return for his kind deeds; Armin's love alone was rewarding enough.  

Armin was also supportive of Eren in whatever he chose to do.  They were so supportive of each other, and only wanted the best for each other.  The best choice for both of them turned out to be staying with each other.  They never needed any more than each other's love, and that's what makes them so perfect for each other.

So why did Eren feel so empty?  Why was the only happiness he felt so short lived?  •Why does he feel so cold when the sun of his life is right by him?•

And the answer...

He never gave himself any love and support. He'd always given all the love and support in the world to Armin. He thought Armin's words would be enough to keep him happy. But after all, to be comforted by the love of someone else, you need to know to love yourself first.

~~~

Armin loves Eren. He loves his sweet words, his sweet smile, and his sweet sounding laughter.

But more than anything else, he loves Eren's eyes.  They're like a view to a different place, a place where they will truly always be free, always together.  

A place that is their future.

Away from the stresses of daily life; bullies, mean teachers, loads of homework, and the usual high school hassle.  

Armin wants them to be happy together no matter what, so obviously this wish starts fading when Eren starts acting differently.

He still cuddles with Armin, but his hugs aren't as tight. He still wakes Armin up with kisses and compliments, but the kisses are less than before and his compliments less unique. When he makes them breakfast, the food is sloppily put together. He's showering less. His words sound robotic. His smiles seems forced. His laughter- it's nonexistent.

And his eyes; the one thing giving them hope for freedom, are dulled.

If one doesn't receive enough love and support in their youth, part of them will forever be broken.

All Armin wants is for the hopeful sparkle in Eren's eyes to return. He needs it back. That light, dancing in the pools of green is like a special kind of happiness for the blond. And he would do anything to earn it back.

Unless, of course, someone exists with the given purpose of repairing their damaged soul.

~~~

Finally during the evening on one night, Eren gives up all his hope of ever finding love for himself.  He wants to ignore all the constant negativity he feels and dedicate the rest of his love to Armin, hoping he can make his boyfriend happy if nothing else.  

Nothing I say comes out right. I can't love without a fight. No one ever knows my name. When I pray for sun, it rains.

He wakes up the next morning with puffy red eyes, sore from crying.  Eren promises himself that will be the last time he'll cry.  He needs to be happy, for Armin.  

After hours, Armin wakes up.  He notices Eren; who still looks upset.  He confronts him about his recent behavior, and all of his observations are denied.  It's obvious Eren is lying.  So Armin continues pestering him, with all of his questions being brushed off.  Then he gives up.  Armin stops asking.  All his efforts were being wasted, so why continue?

I'm so sick of wasting time, But nothing's moving in my mind, Inspiration can't be found, I get up and fall but...

Eren looks at Armin with tears in his eyes, his hands curled into fists.  His entire body shuddering: In anger, In fear, In hopelessness. And he breaks down.

He spills everything. "I hate myself. I'm useless. It doesn't matter, you matter. So can you just leave me alone? The only thing I care about is making you happy. So stop worrying about me."

I’m alive, I’m alive, oh yeah. Between the good and bad is where you'll find me, Reaching for heaven.

Armin takes Eren by the hands.  He's crying too now.  And he looks Eren into the eyes and speaks.

"Eren, look at me.  Every since our childhood you've inspired me to chase my dreams.  You always gave me hope for a better future that would be spent with you, where we could be free of all our troubles.  Your positive outlook on the future always inspired me, but if that was all a lie what am I supposed to do?  My dreams are nonexistent without you.

Don't you see what I'm saying?  I love you Eren.  Why can't you see how amazing you are?  I know it's selfish, but please be happy for me if nothing else.  I need you.

Life with you has always been like a fairy tale to me, and every fairytale has a happy ending.  You're amazing, Eren.  I can assure that.  All I've ever wanted is for us to get the happy ending we deserve."

His words seem blunt, but mean so much to Eren.  To nearly anyone those simple sentences would be meaningless, nothing more than cliche inspiring quotes from online.  But from Armin, they are everything to Eren.  

I will fight, and I'll sleep when I die...

The words from the one person that ever brought Eren true joy for a long while.  For once he feels hopeful, but he denies them.  He doesn't deserve those words, because he's useless.

"No."

Eren utters the one simple word, returning Armin's serious gaze.  Armin shakes his head and takes Eren by the wrist.  He opens his mouth as to speak, and then kisses him.  It barely lasts, as he pulls away after a few simple seconds.

"I love you."

Those words change Eren. For once he feels useful. Somehow, those simple words help him regain that feeling-

I'll live my hard life...

Joy. Eren feels loved. He doesn't feel empty. He doesn't feel sad. And for once when he's by the sun, he feels warm.

I'll live my life...

Day by day Eren feels better, with the constant reassurance of Armin.   His words are full of love and are genuine. His smile is finally true. His laughter is warm and joyous. And his eyes, his eyes are full of hope.  Because in the future, he knows things will get better.  Things always get better.

Day by day Eren learns to love himself. Day by day, Armin teaches Eren what it's like to be truly alive. Day by day, Eren learns to live.

I’m alive

- - -

(Songs used for quotes in italics in the first and last paragraphs:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWoXFssFiM0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zI-_Pzgllo

Any other quotes are by me)

[mypointisblog-blog]

Bullying Essays

     Bullying, An action that destroys the minds of many. It distraught a victim’s heart and soul. It is a crippling depression, when left unattended, can lead to a devastating ending.

I was once a victim of bullying, it pained me for many days and even lead me contemplating suicide. It wasn’t a fun experience as it affected me physically, and mentally. Bullying is an act of dominance and shows a ruthless exhibition of violence to it’s victim. The aggressor dominates it’s victim maybe to feed his/her own ego and satisfaction. Thus, when left untouched, can lead to many humanly disaster. That is why we must take a stand and make a change as we fight for the ones who can’t stand up in their own feet. When one gets bullied, instead of feeling sorry for them, we talk to them and give them advice. Approach the proper authority about known bullies so these people who get their proper punishment. Sometimes, the victim may also turn to become the bully which will lead to endless cycle of violence in our society. We may not stop bullying, but we can show that everyone in the world can be capable enough to fight their own battles and end the problem themselves. Bullying may give an endless amount of trouble to its victim. But it can also lead these people to lifelong lessons and experiences that can help them improve to become a better person. No situation is all for naught as there are always lessons to be found in every failure or upbringings that have been brought upon us. We can never escape problems, we may never stop it from happening, we may be incapable of making a change. But with these experiences in mind, along the lines of negativity shows a possible solution to the problem. So don’t think of bullying as an end to all hope. But progress have never been made without problems, and bullying is one of them. This doesn’t mean that bullying shouldn’t be eliminated out of this world, it should, but then due to the human behavior, it will never be resolved. God has a plan for us and He lead us to a lot of experiences, whether it’s bad or good, to find our inner true selves thus making us better people. He won’t lead us to eternal suffering, that is not what He wants, but He wants our eternal happiness and to achieve our fantasies and dreams so that we will know what it means to live and have freedom, the freedom of heart and mind. 

Bullying, a start of pain, an end with lessons.

-Blog Member, Drenzo Pornel

     Bullying. An issue that happens anywhere, anytime. Whether it be personally, or on the internet, bullying happens to everyone. 

When I say everyone, I mean EVERYONE. It doesn’t matter what your background is, there will always be people who will bully you. This is a problem that has very negative effects on the victims. There are many physiological effects that are caused by bullying, such as depression. I myself have dealt with bullying. People attacked me mostly by making fun of my weight, social preferences, and other qualities I will not share. It did affect me at some point, but not drastically, because I have a solid support system, which is my family. But, my situation doesn’t apply to everyone. Some people don’t have the privileges I hold. Some other people don’t have a solid support system. This is where bullying becomes dangerous. For people with different backgrounds, the way bullying affects other people is different to how bullying affects me. Bullying cannot be stopped entirely, but it can be suppressed. Think before you speak. A joke that can affect a person negatively is not worth telling. Be mindful about others, and try to understand in any way their situations. Through this, I believe that bullying can be mitigated, and this will help a lot of people. As for the victims, please do reach out for help. Whether it be family, friend, or even a stranger on the phone. It can relieve the stress from what you’re experiencing.

Things change over time. Be part of that change.

-Blog Member, Rizal Katalbas III

     Bullying. 

A word people use to refer to the act of hurting someone to make the aggressor feel stronger or in other words, powerful. I’m strongly against bullying. As a matter of fact I was a victim of bullying once when I was very young. I knew the effects of getting bullied, It gave me insecurities, sadness, anxieties  and many more. I don’t want anyone to experience what I have just felt when I was young. We need to work together to change and prevent things like that from occurring. There’s a saying prevention is better than a cure. We can do little things like helping one another because it can greatly affect one’s individuality. Improving relationships with people can also improve the situation. People like us are no different than the others. We all have our own flaws. We just have to accept our own flaws and accept other people’s flaws as well. Don’t let other people change who you are. You’re unique, beautiful as you can be. God wants us to love each other. To keep pushing each other to reach our dreams or goals in life. For love unites us all. Giving us a happy life to live. No hatred, no sorrow, no despair. But compassion, love, selflessness, and joy. Never forget as well that the bully might have been a victim as well before. There is something that triggered the bully to act and feel this way towards you. Though it’s still very wrong to do bad things upon other people. Prayer is a really powerful thing to do. Some people might think otherwise that it’s such a “stupid” thing to do but it isn’t. Prayers can be answered. It gives us the hope that everything will be alright for God is there with you through any situation you’ll get into. You have your family and friends as well to help and support you through this worldwide problem in society. 

Just give them a call.

-Blog Member, Ian Alvarado

     Bullying, one of the biggest problems that someone has to face.

It has been like that for years and has been a reason for suicides, anxiety, and destroyed lives. I myself has been a victim of bullying and it was been one of the hardest moments of my life because of all the pain and embarrassment i have experienced. I really don’t understand those people who bullies other people because Why would a human being want to humiliate another person for fun? They make others feel so bad about themselves that they take dramatic measures to try to change the way they are. Are they secretly self-conscious about themselves? Do they feel bad about the way they look, so they take it out on others? These scenarios resemble selfish motives for making someone else feel bad. I firmly believe that those who are bullying other people should really be punished because they’re not just destroying other people’s body or reputation, they are also destroying there future too. Bullying has been going for generations and I want it to stop someway, somehow with the help of everyone reading this. 

Always remember, pulling someone down won’t help you reach the top.

-Blog Member, Chriztian Villamor

     Bullying is one of the most common issues in schools and usually exists between classmates, friends and even strangers. 

It has also been prohibited by the law since most cases result in trauma or suicide of the victims themselves. I have my own experiences of bullying as well and it comes in different ways like verbally, physically, emotionally and sometimes in social media, but then it had a different effect on my behavior and perspective. Bullying didn’t put me down, instead it made me stronger and confident in myself because I know that showing others that I’m weak will only make it worst for me. I figured out how to act and deal with the kind of people who thinks they are above everyone else, so I just be myself and go with the flow not caring about anyone who stands in my way because I know who I am as a person and try to balance my attitude depending on the environment I get into. Not pointing out that getting bullied always has a good effect but it also depends on the person’s attitude or approach towards his/her situation and it needs a foundation of confidence, discipline and understanding the right way to deal with your problem. 

I realized that the key to having a happy and peaceful life with everyone around you is to have a healthy relationship with God by communicating through prayer.

-Blog Member, Cyril Nieveras   

Bullying is one of the worst things that ever happened to me. The pain and depression of being left out and being back stabbed as a child is one that I will never forget. It was so devastating that I did not want to go to school anymore. I lost the motivation to do something. Even until now I belittle myself because this was one of the effects of bullying to me. It all started when I was Grade 1, after coming back from the United States I did not know how to speak Filipino. It was difficult for me to communicate with my classmates before because I did not know how to speak Filipino. Some of my classmates would take advantage of that through mocking me with my English speaking and telling me to go back to America. And there was this guy who would let his things be borrowed from him to everyone in the class except me. He told me I could not borrow his stuff because I was skinny and I don’t speak Filipino. It really hurts that I was treated that way. There were some good effects and bad effects on me when I was bullied. The good effect is that I learned that not everything is unicorns and rainbows in life, there will always be a storm, but after the storm comes the sun. The bad effect is that until now I belittle myself even if I have the capacity to do stuff. Back in Grade 10, I became classmates with my bull. My classmate asked me who bullied me before and I responded with the name of my bully which is now my classmate. He told me he does not remember anything about bullying me. My point is bullies don’t actually care when they bully you they just feel like it’s cool to bully just because they are bigger than you. There will be a time where you will be bigger than him. How? Just like now my bully is now asking for help with HW and I use that as an advantage against him. Just hang in there, let your emotions out and just wait for your time. -Blog Member, Lian Lazo Bullying , a word infamous for its foul intent , a verb that pertains to making one feel less of him/herself and abuse both physically and mentally . It is something that is dreaded by most , yet almost all of us have both been a victim and an oppressor . I myself can attest to this because indeed, there have been times wherein I have become a victim of this foul treatment . However I have Also become the cause of another’s demise as I too have been a “bully” and have one way or another “bullied ” someone else .This is so because the act of “bullying” atleast for me , is something close to that of an epidemic . I say this because everyone and I mean everyone has either been a victim of bullying or did the bullying themselves , and what is the root cause of this so called epidemic?. Well for me it is the gravest of all the sins known to mankind ( atleast for us catholics) - “pride ” . Pride is the root cause of all of the bullying on this world because if you would take a moment to contemplate and to ask yourself “why does the bully , bully ?” you would be wise to come up with the answer “pride ”. Because why does a bully , bully ? It is because they feel highly of themselves , they feel that they are miles above others and that those who aren’t of the same “caliber ” as them is close to that of a “ lower being ” They have so much pride that they feel like they are a “greater being ” than those around them and so they look down upon these people and eventually start the abuse , the torment, an evil that affects the victim to the very core and causes them great suffering. Bullying is also “contagious” I can say this because most bullies where actually victim’s themselves in the past and so because they were victims, they now are being the ones responsible for the demise of others. So as you can see, clearly the while process of bullying is somewhat like a pattern. It starts out with the bully abusing the victim, then the victim then becoming a bully them self and now begins to abuse another victim and so on and so forth. So you see it is something that must be stopped and to quite frankly there is really only one way to prevent it and that is to simply love and mire importantly respect one another, if this is done then bullying will be greatly reduced and the world will be a better place. -Blog Member, Justin Mastrili